| (no subject) |
[Aug. 6th, 2008|03:05 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Angel's Son - Sevendust | ] |
You never come into this world thinking that before you've had your children, before you have finished college, before you have finally started taking care of yourself that the one person that took care of you would be dead. And knowing how they are going to die, knowing that the fate of the one person that did the most for you and everyone around you and sacrificed everything... literally... to better the lives of everyone around HER... is dying from an illness that consumes you and puts your body in so much pain... an illness that despite all the money going to it's research leaves doctors playing the guessing game on how long you have left is just... it's too much. I mean... rather than her die of old age.. or die quickly, you can try but how can you stare at a ghost. I mean there is absolutely no God. I'm watching the person I look up to the most, my everything, my safety net, my whole world die right infront of my eyes. She used to be so happy despite not having anything and when she finally gets what she deserves or close to it... a better life.. she can't even LIVE.. in it. Her beautiful house is no more, it's hard for her to so much as smile because she's either doped up or in extreme pain... her eyes are getting black and saggy and her lips don't even hold color anymore. There is no God. No Justice. My family has been through fucking enough and it's like when you yell at whatever or whoever it is you yell at when life sucks, you ask yourself or it "what else" like what is going to happen next, and you can't think of anything else that could possibly go wrong and it's like when life is out of shit to do to you, it takes a life. And it will keep on taking. Like I can't catch my breath when all I think about is all I have left is my Dad. Like it's not ... it just doesn't make sense. I used to be just like him but I've seen so much of my mom inside me this week that I'm starting to wonder, because I'm going to have to play her roll in the family now. I'm taking care of everyone, and mostly her. I can't.. deal with this, I'm not even half as strong as she is, how in the FUCK am I supposed to be there for my family. I mean, I did when I was up there, but I can't have that... weight on my shoulders. I can't even keep myself together most of the time. I'm just pissed off because instead of getting health insurance..which would open up doors and doors of cancer treatment centers... she had to use that money on us... her children. Had I known I would have never asked for anything, I would have worn the same thing year after year I don't even care if they didn't fit. I would have eaten straight garbage. And now she can't get the treatment she needs because insurance will not accept her applications because she has a terminal illness. How the fuck is this happening to me. Everything I have done, every push and shove I made to be someone that came from nothing to become SOMETHING, it was all for her. For the family. What the hell do I do now. College, marriage, children, the three things I asked for the things I chose for her to see and be proud of when she couldnt see me goto prom or walk the stage for highschool. It's just bullshit I hate the government, I hate this disease, I hate our creator, I hate the concept of being alive, i just hate it all.
"Angel's Son"
Life is changing
I can't go on without you
Rearranging. I will be strong
I'll stand by you
(You were fighting everyday)
(So hard to hide the pain)
(I know you never said goodbye)
(I had so much left to say)
One last song
Given to an Angel's Son
As soon as you were gone
As soon as you were gone
I have a new life now
She lives through you
What can I do
Feel so alone now
I pray for you
We still love you
I can't believe you're gone
I can't believe |
|
|
| Some People Can't Handle The REAL World. |
[Aug. 1st, 2008|02:15 pm] |
|
This whole time I've been living in a fantasy. When reality reached out and struck me in the face it hit me hard. The fact that I have been going by influence my whole life from lack of a parental inspiration just hit me and it did it accurately. I've woken up and realized that everything people tell me is true, or the way opposite of what I thought. It's this point where I wish to God I had parents that weren't too busy because I have been raising myself and doing it wrong. I used to try to be full of pride and say "hey look at me now, I did it all by myself" but I'm not proud. I'm fucked up. I have made up this fantasy of what life should be and living in it blissfully only to finally let go of Peter Pan's hand and realize, the world sucks. It's everything I tried to block out. That the world is hateful, and mean, and full of mean things. That life isn't this just... great place. Somehow in this twisted fairytale I thought it was so easy to do things, like I had super hero powers to be able to do things nobody else could thinking this whole time it was because I was on a level mentally where I could do anything I put my mind to. But instead I'm faced with, I can move on and and sugarcoat feelings and change my ways because I hide from the real ones. I'm not on a whole new level of being strong, I'm not changing my life so I'm high-happy through it, it's my depressions way of covering it up and my body's way of coping. And it's fucking sad. Because I learned something about myself, something disgusting and I feel like my depression betrayed me. Like it got the best of me like it won, like it lied to me, like I thought I was getting better but I learned something new about it today that just changed my whole world. I thought I was normal and I'm not. I'm just a nutjob like everyone else. For once in my life, I'm not an idividual, I am like the ones you read about in the pamplettes about depression. I've been scared to grow up and now I have and I'm doing it terribly. I'm pissed off, because everyone writes these stories or tells you how it SHOULD be and I thought it COULD be, but it can't. I thought that when I can drop people and I thought the way I was able to EASILY, with no second thoughts, MOVE ON and be happy and positive with everything and make things easy to do...I'm not doing that. Things aren't happy and I didn't move on, I just buried them. I didn't overcome it, I didnt... just... I thought I was strong and I'm not. I'm weak and pathetic. And now I'm sad because now I'll never be able to do those things truely. Now I don't know what will happen. Today I let go of the fairytale guidelines on love and life and now I have to change to the reality that the world is full of death and hate and people killing eachother, I have become one of "them" ...everybody else. I'm not going to change the world, I never changed it a little at a time, I've crossed over. I've lost myself because I didn't know who I was. Now that part of Dana is gone. The part that people looked up to because I had the ability to make things better for me and them. She's gone. Because I'm embarassed that people let me have that kind of power and the whole time it was because of this sickness called depression. I'm embarassed because I feel like everybody knew but me. "hey look at her, isn't she cute, she's totally oblivious to the real fact of the matter". They weren't laughing with me they were laughing at me. I feel like a complete idiot. And now I'm crying because I don't want to live in a world that is the way it is, I want to go back to thinking I was making a difference and actually doing so. Not making a fool out of myself. And now I'm upset because I just lost the person that people loved. People loved me because I didn't have a clue. I cant be the person that makes everything better and speaks about peace and happiness and complete love for yourself, I can't be her anymore because that wasn't real, I've realized it's not a possibility and I'm sorry to let you down but you can't love me for that anymore because currently I'm accepting the fact that it can't happen. I wish I could make you happy I wish people could just.. float through life I wish they could see how comforting and awesome it felt to be so high like that, but I can't hang around being HER if nobody else can either. I used to want to be like my role models, be like Bob Marley and people like him that made a difference through his music, people like him that tried to bring the world together, and I just failed. I wish I could be strong like him and be like him I wish I could make things better for everyone but I just don't think I can. People used to love me for all of these things and I just failed miserably. They needed me to be that person to get them through life and if I let that go then I'm giving up on them. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 8th, 2008|12:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
So I've decided that I'm sick of being one of those women who have kids and their body goes to hell. I dont have kids. But I'm really going to start dressing nice again. My hair looks really bad and it won't be much until I get to see Felicia, she's the only woman who can touch my hair. But I want to be the person I was in Florida. I want to be the old me again. Not just look wise, but personallity. I want to be the person everybody loved. And Yes Nora, I'm alive, and I miss you very much! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 7th, 2008|03:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
"Others believe kissing is indeed an instinctive behavior, and cite animals’ kissing-like behaviors as proof. While most animals rub noses with each other as a gesture of affection, others like to pucker up just like humans. Bonobos, for example, make up tons of excuses to swap some spit. They do it to make up after fights, to comfort each other, to develop social bonds, and sometimes for no clear reason at all – just like us."
The one thing that makes me the happiest, and changes my outlook on the rest of the day, or few, is just comming home to me and giving me a kiss without me even having to ask for it, and telling me that you love me. It's not that I need a reminder, but if you can think to tell me that, for no reason at all other than just... it's meaningful beyond anything you could ever do. I could be happy for the rest of my life if just at random, one day, he came home, grabbed me, pulled me into the bedroom, and made me lay with him. I just want his company, but what I want most... is a make out session with him in private. Kissing for me is the most powerful way to express how I feel about you, not sex, not talking, just... kissing. It's the one thing I enjoy the most, and I wish I did it more often.
"When two people kiss there is a rich and complicated exchange of information involving chemical, tactile, and postural cues."-Gordon G. Gallup |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 12th, 2007|10:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
Wow Im so mad I just want to cry right now. I seriously dont want any friends. Like, I dont know what to do I dont know where to go and I dont know who to trust and I just am tired of everyone and everything that is made up of cells. If it breaths I want it dead. I give up on boys, I give up on girls, I just give up entirely and I want everything back the way it was this summer. Thats all I need and I just want to go home to my mom and give her a kiss and sit on the couch with her just for like an hour and then come back. I just want my mom. Im having the worst time of my life right now and I dont have anyone to turn to. You just cant trust anyone. Im tired of people lying to make themselves look better and Im tired of shitty girl friends that just want to stab you in the back and Im tired of guys because none of them knows what honesty is. And Im tired of not having one night with a true friend. I just want to run into some random woods, in some random state, and get lost. I hate that everything I want is so far away and it just seems pointless to drive when I would be going no where and taking the long way. I hate this, I just hate everything. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 31st, 2007|03:01 pm] |
Ligeia - Beyond A Doubt
I'll wait for the answers someone else has given you.
I'll wait for days.
I failed my heart for way too long.
I've fallen apart, but that's over now.
Those who disrespected me tread upon broken glass and they will not last.
I gave everything I had just to be here.
Their words don't mean shit and life's not fair.
So wait for days all alone with the false idea of truth.
Pray for the empty walls you built 'round your hope.
This is my last request to you before it's too late.
Cherish the time you've been given to look forward.
Go ahead lie to my face, but just for today.
I remember everything.
I failed my heart for way too long.
I've fallen apart, but that's all over now.
It's time to set this straight.
We won't turn back now.
You turned your back on me.
Call out for friends you don't have.
We won't turn back now.
You turned your back on me. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 31st, 2007|03:50 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  weird | ] |
Sometimes I wonder if my life is even a life at all. I cant recall most of what I have been doing lately. Its almost like it just comes and goes and Im not completely sure where it went. Im dreaming, things are too good to be true and at the same time they are nothing without the person that I loved most. You cant go back; its true, things will never change... people... never change. Im still here. Im standing in the mud and I wont move until you tell me the water will be warm in the tub when we get home again. I miss a lot but at the same time Im missing too much. Thanks for giving up on me; that was pretty sweet... but it doesnt even matter, things always get better. I cant complain; life is amazing right now. Im just saying it would be a lot better if this nonsense wasnt even real. This not talking, not seeing eachother, not caring anymore. You might stop caring; but fortunately enough one of us had to be human and I guess that makes that person me. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 25th, 2007|07:46 pm] |
I miss Bull so much. March will a full year that hes been dead. All the good people die.
"Never Give up"
and Im still trying to hold it together, I know thats what you would have told me to do. |
|
|
| Here today gone tomorrow |
[Jan. 21st, 2007|03:38 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | hopeful | ] |
I want to trust my gut but my gut can never seem to conjure up the right feeling. |
|
|
| Hes never hit me before, i dont even know what to do |
[Jan. 17th, 2007|09:51 am] |
|
This morning when I wasnt packed for SC dad flipped out and starting screaming at me and calling me a little bitch and then I told him to get out because he kept throwing my things and almost knocked my bird off the dresser, and he was at the door and i put my hand on the door and told him to leave and he freaked out i dont know what happened first, but all i remember is him putting his hand around my neck and slammed me against the wall choking me and calling me names and then he threw me on the ground and kicked me and kept yelling and then he started to walk off and i was cussing him out and then i locked it and he was screaming "oh you little bitch. you little bitch" and he was saying i was going to regret it and Susan told him to leave me alone and he unlocked my door and came in throwing things at me and i told him if he ever touched me again i was going to cut his throat and he said you dont threaten me and yanked me by my hood and i was choking and gasping for air and he drug me down the hall way and threw me down. Susan had to pull him off me and took me to her room and he kept comming in and threatening me and yelling. it hurts to swallow, i have marks around my neck. i dont know what to do. i called work and my manager was asking if i was in a safe place and asking what happened, because i called to ask her if i could have a letter of recommendation and she said of course. im going to work thursday to get my things and to finish my day at work. i called my crying my eyes out and she said she was going to get me a ticket but i cant let her do that. im going to find a way to get to her, i dont know how, but i cant be here, im so scared hes going to turn around and come after me. i dont know what to do i dont have my cell because it was stolen at work and i dont know anyones number i dont know wahts going to happen to me i cant do this. i cant. things are so gone. i cant believe any of it. and i dont know what im going to do. i dont know. none of my friends are talking to me i dont know who to go to. this wasnt supposed to happen hes never ever layed a hand on me. he almost fucking killed me. im going home. i need my mom i need to get away from this thats so fucked up if i stay here im going to die. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 27th, 2006|11:14 pm] |
Comment this if you want to be my LJ friend and lurk my shit.kbye. |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
die_harlot's journal